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[lamartine]

for two weeks, i have had no contact with my ex-boyfriend of a little over six months. we broke up six weeks ago.

until two wednesdays ago, he was still calling and text messaging every day. he admitted that he still likes me but thought that it would be "too confusing" for us to get together. finally, he agreed to come to my city (an hour and a half from him) to see me last wednesday night. he tried to back out on wednesday morning, but i got really mad at him. i hadn't seen him in five weeks, and i had planned this in advance, scheduled my week around it, and been looking forward to it. he tried to back out, i kid you not, because he had to make a phone call about a loan. as if the hour and a half train ride wouldn't have given him ample time to do that.

he got here, and he took me out for a lovely dinner. he then took me to another restaurant for dessert. he paid for everything and was clearly enjoying himself. we talked, and i felt serious sparks like at the beginning. everything was going well, and i though we would get back together, so i let him spend the night at my house. the chemistry was completely still there, and i made the huge mistake of sleeping with him.

the next morning, i was driving him to the train, and i asked him if he was going to disappear for another five weeks. he said he didn't know. we broke up because of a fight we had on a ski trip in february, and i told him i thought it was time to get over the ski trip, that people fight, etc. he told me it wasn't the ski trip that concerned him but the fact that "we still have conversations like this." in the end, i told him if we were going to be hooking up, i wanted to see him again in the near future. he asked when, and i said before easter. he said "how about we see each other after easter?" and told me that i just couldn't live with uncertainty, that his whole life was uncertainty, and that he wasn't ready to get back together right now. i closed his door and drove away in tears.

i blocked him from computer messaging, and he hasn't called, but i can't help but be really hurt by all of this. it's all very hard, and i think it is unfair for him to have dragged me into his confusion. is no contact the right thing to do?

he has said some really cruel things to me. when we first broke up, he told me that he saw some things in my personality that he didn't like and that he was "very picky about personalities." on this particular day, he told me that i brought the whole break up on myself. i wasn't myself on the trip that caused the breakup, and we had three days that were less than perfect. but it kills me that he can disregard six great months in which i was nothing but wonderful to him and draw conclusions about my "personality" based on three days.

i know that i guilt tripped him into coming, and i accept most of the responsibility for the pain i am feeling about this particular encounter. but it doesn't alleviate the anger i feel towards him. i feel mistreated and deceived, n ot just because of this one night but because he took all of the good times i had to offer and threw me away at the first sign of imperfection.

this has been the worst break up i have every gone through, and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. is this normal behavior? i am terrified that i won't find anyone like him again.

[SFguy]

You'll find someone better one day, it is best just to cut the person off totally or you will keep reliving the drama every few months.

[lamartine]

well, i have an update. last night J called me. He called from a new cell phone number with an area code that i didn't recognize, and so i answered. at first, we just caught up a little. but, after everything that has happened recently, i have grown very angry. i told him that the things he said about my personality and character were so unfair and hurtful and that i replay them every day in my head. he apologized and said that he didn't mean it and was grasping for things to say because he just didn't feel that he could be in a relationship. he said he didn't want a serious relationship right now. he said that there comes a point when you have to decide whether you would rather have a person you care about in your life and have to put forth the effort to have a relationship or risk losing the person and leave. he said he didn't want to lose me from his life. he also told me he felt trapped and felt that if we were going to continue in a relationship, he would have to step it up. he said that he was worried about what he would have to give up if he were in a relationship (although he couldn't think of anything).

he also said--and this stung--that he thinks about calling me and getting back together about twice a week but that he can't do it because i make him have "these intense conversations." he said he is worried about hurting me again. he also said he wants to date other people. i told him i can't stop him but that i can't be friends with him if he does because it will hurt me too much. then i said: J, don't you think this will just happen again? you are worried about hurting me but not them? and he said: i care about you, and i don't want to hurt you, but i don't care about them. he was upset that i made him have this conversation, but i was so hurt, and i didn't see how i could go on having any relationship--friendship or more--without working through this.

also, he told me that he was worried because he wasn't 100 percent happy all the time in our relationship, and he feels like he should be looking for his soul mate, someone who fits him perfectly. i asked him if he was happy with other women. he said yes, he was happy with his ex, but when she moved to be with him, she was too available to him and he didn't want her anymore.

finally, he told me that the last couple of months of our relationship were "brilliant" but that i was doing all of the giving, and that we couldn't have a relationship like that.

y'all, wow. i am glad he admitted some culpability here. but it doesn't help with the fact that i love him and miss him so much. i have never loved anyone like i love him. does anyone think there is any hope here?

[Red]

There's always hope, but yo ureally shouldn't put yourself through this anymore, you going to keep going through the same drama, he just want to keep stringing you along.

[lone56wolf]

Take it from an expert at putting themselves through hell for the sake of the illusion of love - it ain't worth it. It just gets worse and you lose a little piece of yourself every time. Have a big long post in here (Autopsy of a Dream) that spells out my last bout with "love". Look out for yourself because you deserve a lot better than you're giving yourself now.

Wolf

[breezy501]

Hope you DON'T find anyone like him again. It is obvious he is not as serious about the relationship as you are. You should move on and find someone who really appreciates you. You deserve to be happy!