Dating Forums

sfchicguy · Joined: 31 Jul 2007 Posts: 3

I am a mid-30s guy, shouldn't be this hard but very confusing situation.

First caveat is she is a bartender. Ok ok I know. My cardinal rule is *never* ask the bartender out, and I never do. First because she is a captive audience, second because i get that she is being nice in large part because it is her job and she wants tips, third I get if I read it wrong we are now both uncomfortable. So I've always been good. Until now.

Been going for two years or so, all of the girls really like me, think I am nice, respectful, I am apparantly the favorite customer.

Anyway one of the girls is totally sweet and we really get along. Several times she has said we should hang out and asks for my #. Doenst follow up, then a few weeks/months later the same. I had given up on her but found out from talking to her she'd had a very bad relationship, first love, and he beat her and put her in the hospital. She did some dating after that but they both went badly and she really doenst believe in it anymore, etc. So I cut her slack on not following up.

We always hit it off with very great intense conversations, similar lives, thoughts about love, life, dating, people, I make her laugh a lot.

Anyway, she asked again a few weeks ago, and said quote 'I really want to get to know you outside of here'. So I asked her out, to a great outdoors evening event, we had a great time. Went to dinner and she was asking me all sorts of questions about dating (could I ever love again after my last gf, would I always compare, etc). Gave all the right answers (true ones), she said you are the only guy I've ever met who thinks like this/me.

A couple weeks later she is going on vacation, says on her first night off before she leaves to join her for a drink. I do, she says just one but we stay all night sparkling off each other and I am 1/2 in love by the end of the night. Amazing girl, sweet, nurturing, and as I can see totally in need of someone to take care of her, treat her well, give her a place to come to be safe, etc.

I walk her to the deli and then a cab, and at the door she jumps in my arms and gives me a huge hug and says 'as soon as I get back we have to go out together, alone, and this time I want to know all about *you*" (since that night I'd asked about her). I had purchased two Baci candies, for thoswe of you whjo dont know they are little hazelint chocolate candies, each one with a little fortune about love/kisses, a very romantic gesutre that cannot be missed.

She texts me two minutes later from the cab "My Fortune: "A first kiss is in your near future". I smile and text her "My Fortune: First Love bla bla" Sbe replis "Quite Appropriate".

I am walking on air.

During the week I bump into one of her friends I met at the bar who says 'you are the guy who took S to the play in the park. S talks about you all the time, can't say enough great things about you, speaks volumes about you". I am wowed.

She comes back

I leave a message welcoming her back and asking her out.

No reply day 1

No reply day 2

No reply day 3.

I stop by. She is uncomfortable. I say "What is going on? I really like you want want to see you again. Not sure what is going on or why you didn't call back though".

She says: "Oh. I guess I didn't clarify: I don't date customers"

!?

I'm not a customer, we've gone out already, and you said you wanted to get to know me outside the bar.

I did?

I *asked* you out this week because YOU said when you get back we *have* to go out, alone, and you want to know 'all about me'.

I said that?

Pause

You texted me about the first kiss on the candies I gave you.

I thought you'd want to know. I didn't mean anything by it.

I don't date customers, I don't cross that line. I'm sorry if you think I led you on. Will you sitll come in and talk to me and be my friend?

?!

What in God's name am I missing here???

It is easy to go for the 'she got scared when it got so close' answer but that might just be a salve. It IS one recurring theme with her that she doesnt believe in love anymore, doesnt date much, she has 'dabbled' in it since her big love/bad ending but is totally jaded and given her last two bad ones as well has had it but totally totally wants to belive in it and find someone to treat her amazing who she can love back.

Anyone?

SFguy · Joined: 26 Mar 2004 Posts: 155

There's really nothing to think about here, she doesn't want to date you anymore she said it, don't try to talk her into it, you'll just have more problems. Just let it go she cleary has issues

sfchicguy · Joined: 31 Jul 2007 Posts: 3

my question/confusion was how could a girl who had specifically asked me to ask her out, and then been so jazzed as to gush about how we had to go out again so she could learn all about me and return the flirtation, turn around a week later, the week she wanted to go out, and not only NOT go out but pretend she never said those things? I guess you got the answer; "she's got issues"

Red · Joined: 26 Mar 2004 Posts: 196

Yeah she's either pretty crazy or a bad lair that doen't know how to turn someone down

sfchicguy · Joined: 31 Jul 2007 Posts: 3

[quote="Red"]Yeah she's either pretty crazy or a bad lair that doen't know how to turn someone down[/quote]

Not knowing how to turn someone down is a far cry from asking someone to ask you out and telling someone you want to get together with them when they have not even asked. so let's go with crazy Shocked