Dating Forums

[2and2is5]

Hello, this is a bit of a doozy and I'm trying to come to terms w/ what I should do w/ this situation before I move further w/ this relationship.

I have been dating a long term friend of 10 years for nearly 6 months now and I have to say it's been nothing but wonderful and I get the feeling she's madly in love w/ me and I am feeling quite the same. We dated very briefly about 10 years ago and she broke it off after 4 weeks but we've been pretty close friends ever since. Since we've been friends, she's had 2 pregnancies w/ 2 different guys (w/ the possibility of the 2 being from 3 possible choices). She lost her first baby which was very premature and only survived a few days. The said "father" of that baby was a guy she had dated for 2 years.

Now - here's the clincher. About a month after she lost her baby, I spoke to her over the phone and she confided in me that she didn't know whether the father was her boyfriend or HER BOSS'S!!! Now, this happened about 6-7 years ago and I remember every word she said because the news was like a lightning bolt. At that point, she had helped this guys start a company and had worked w/ him for at least 3 years. I asked her if she liked him and she said at one point she was way into him even though he was married w/ 2 kids. She said she was relieved to tell someone and I have a feeling I am one of the only people she told. She also said she had to stop the relationship immediately. I asked her how she met this guy in the first place and she wouldn't tell me. I suspect it must have been a sex site or dating site. I have never spoken to her about the incident ever again and I don't know if she even remembered telling me as she was in a huge depression after losing her baby. One of the biggest things that bothers me is the fact that her boyfriend seemed to care about her and the baby quite a bit and I don't think he ever found out that there was a question that he was the real father.

After that, we kept in touch via email and phone calls. At one point about 5 years ago, we had hung out for a 6 month period as FWB. In the past, whenever we would be getting a bit close, she would stop contacting me and could often be quite mean about breaking off contact. I always took it in stride and would go off and date other people.

She currently is a single mother to a boy who is nearly 4 years old. The father is completely out of the picture and she still works at the same company she helped start w/ the guy she was having an affair w/.

Back in October of 2006, we started hanging out quite a bit and it became apparent she liked me a lot more than FYB. I was very surprised she was starting to fall for me and I was very apprehensive about it for the first 3 months because I was expecting her to disappear like she usually did. Although, I know about her past, I have seen she's a very different person and has said so herself stating that having a child was a major change in her life. I have fallen pretty deeply in love w/ her as well and I have to say things are going amazingly well. I have been looking for signs that she may be hiding something but, at every turn, I can't find any sign of scandal, lies, or anything but her being 100% about me. Believe me, I've been looking everywhere for signs of her hiding something and I can't find anything. We get along better than any other girlfriend I have ever had, are alike in so many ways, and have many, many of the same interests. We always have a great time hanging out together.

The only time we have had problems is when she found out I was still in contact out w/ my ex (completely platonic)and freaked out because I told her I wasn't. I admit this was deceptive behavior on my part and it's been a rough few weeks trying to get through this. The thing that gets me is that she acted as if she had never experienced such deceptive behavior from a boyfriend and acted like she expected the most pure and moral behavior in a relationship. It took everything in me to not bring all this up.

I want to work this relationship out and my gut feeling tells me that she has no relationship w/ her boss anymore than work and friendship. Still, there are some other weird things. He comes and takes her son to church every Sunday and has set up a savings account for him. She also sent me a picture of her the other day of her as a teenager that her boss just happened to find on the work file server. He is the most understanding, and accomadating boss I've practically ever witnessed and treats her more like a daughter than a co-worker.

We're now getting along so well and I am completely attached to her but I'm getting to the point where I feel I have to get the 100% full story before I take this relationship any further. It's really starting to get to me.

I believe people can change drastically as they get older, especially after a life changing event like having children, but how much faith should I put into this idea?

[SFguy]

It's possible that people change, but many don't. If you continue the relationship just take it slow, and don't even think about marriage until about a decade together

[2and2is5]

Thanks for the advice so far. I'm thinking about seeing a counselor on this issue too. I need to think this out good and long before I act.

I do feel like I should be able to bring this up to her at some point and tell her I want to know where everything's at, where everything's been and that I want to work through it.

I don't want to have it come out in the middle of a fight where it would not be dealt w/ constructively. I know I would do this eventually, because she acts like the most moral person on the planet whenever the topic of cheating comes up.

I do feel this is quite the scandal because since I've known her, she's had about 4 LTR and I think this relationship w/ her boss has been in the background for all of them or nearly all of them. And the fact that a guy may have been duped into believing he was the father of her child when there was a good chance he wasn't - that's hard to stomach.

I want this to work out and I feel, if she would be honest about that relationship, I could work through it no problem.

[Red]

One thing is for sure, you need to express how you feel when she states how much morals she has, if not she'll keep saying it, and you'll be bothered more and more by it. It's always good to get everything out in the open.