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[C_lost]

Ok, I'm going to look for a general concenses here. So far just about everyone says that I did "nothing wrong".

Well I feel I did but I tend to beat myself up and friends tell me I'm too nice.

So here goes.

I meet Sarah in 2003 after not dating seriously for a few years. I would say she was the only woman whom I've had a long term relationship with ("sort of two years") since my ex in 1994. Being in Michigan it's been a real challenge to find someone grow a friendship with and marry. (I'm not from MI and I have only my mom for family. She resides in PA and only recently we became closer. I've moved three times for school and work so each time I have had to start over with finding friends etc.)

Ok, so I meet Sarah on the internet. Actually she finds me. I remember whenI finally met her I thought to myself "finally". Well, she somes on full "gang busters". Gifts, talking of not moving in with a ring, bringing her dog over without asking etc.. Fine but the odd thing for me was she did not live near me. At that time she was in Cincinatti. She is a Nurse (traveler) meaning she assignments for three months or so in different area's. She had been married before and her ex husband dumped her by email on x-mas eve and I could see that really hurt her. Well, about 1.5 months into it in 2003 I call it off. She was coming on way to strong for me and my own baggage was coming up. I still had feelings for an ex that was never really resolved when i lived in Ca. She wanted to stay, I wouldn't allow it (the company was paying for everything) unless we discussed it like adults NOT like the way she was demanding (spitting, taking the company car with alcohol in it, etc) So she went home. We had a mutual friend whom was my dentist. Over infrequent visits i would mention her and was sorry all that happened. She lent a sympathet ear and kept me up to date on her. So in effect I see now I still held out on hope.

I tell Sarah in 2003 that I was not iver my ex. Sarah did some questionable stuff with a cell phone pic of herself and I really wondered then. For the next 8 months I went through more weird dating experiences and finally I hear that the ex was getting engaged. In my mind she was gone and that was my resolution. About a month later I think of Sarah one morning and ironically SHE emailed me tow days later asking if I had sent her a "wink" from Yahoo. I responded no but was glad to hear from her. By this time she was in New York. So we started talking again and she came "home" (her parents live here) to see me. From July 2004 we were in contact again. So I see her the beginning of August, another time towards the end of Aug for a few days then she moves to San Jose Ca. Now my dentist friend met Sarah once in Aug. She instantly says she does not like her and how she looks at me with those "googlely eyes". WTF I say. My friend is married and I was happy for her, why could she not be happy for me? I brushed it off but Sarah noticed that this woman would give her dirty looks. I never saw them but now I beleive she did.

My ex was getting married the beginning of Sept. My dentist friend was in the wedding. I tell her I'm going to SF to visit Sarah. I go have a great time and Sarah tells me she loves me while we were making love. Ok, cool. but I didn't say it in return since I didn't feel that way yet. too early. I go home.This was about mid Oct. 2004. A day after I'm back my dentist friend tells me that my ex didn't get married and they were having major problems but were trying to work it out. She wanted to tell me so I wouldn't hear this on the grapevine. Well in hindsight she was the ONLY grape. No one else I knew had knowledge of my ex except for my dentist "friend". So now the seed is planted. I'm not fully connected to Sarah since she does not live here and I'm not sure she will.

Sarah comes home with me Thanksgiving 2004 for my HS reunion and meets my mom. Things go well. On the way back to MI (she was flying back to SF from there) she talks of having a small ceremony since she hates big weddings. Finally in late December she moves to Benton Harbor in Michigan. Three hours away. Better but now I see her three days on, 4 days off, etc. So over the winter we continue this way and winter is not good for either of us. I'd imagine especially for her coming from Ca. She brought little dog for me she found. Very cute but I was not used to having animal around and to be honest I still was not over the fact that I lost a dog to a crazy ex who posioned her with Anti-freeze a few years back. In fact my dentist friend was the one who told me of this and her cheating behaviour with a "friend" of mine. Anyway finally Sarah moves 10 minutes away..March 2005. I say to myself "great" now I can spend quality time with her and see if i want to marry her.

Well, it's not that easy. A week after she moves here. She comes over and tells me that "I think I love you more than you love me". WTF. And leaves saying she is sorry. I try to call and she tells me a few days later by email that She si finding herself attracted to other men and she does not want to cheat on me. I'm a wondeful man but I have to let you go stuff. Well that was opposite of what she sounded like a few days before. Troubled I call her parents (whom I met twice) Well I get from her father " I hoped you guys would get married", "Sarah scares guys and comes on to strong and scares them". "I told her you would take a while since you have been alone for a long time" and "she thought her ex husband and her were soul mates and would still be married if he didn't get depressed". Now I hope no one takes this the wrong way but a father who is white, works for the Union lives in remote Mi tells a black guys this is rare. But I was pleasantly surprised. A few weeks later Sarah calls me and says she can't "it would hurt to much". She was always making referance to "the other shoe dropping" and I didn't get it. Anyway, I call her leave a message and then she calls and tells me to pick her up for crab legs. At that point we started dating again. This was late april 2004. At that point I tell my friend Kevin. I say what happened and because of what her dad said to me I want to make sure Sarah is it. I still had passing thoughts of my ex. He says "don't go into a marriage with someone else on your mind" he is married and is going through that now. I tell my "dentist Friend" this and I say if I don't hear from my ex my the fall then that is my resolution. I told her I loved Sarah but was "not sure yet" since she has just finally moved here and got over this last weird spell.

So over the summer we pick up my new Lotus together, go out, she meets other couples and we get a life. Meanwhile I am getting interest after 5 years of trying from another car company. I have been trying to leave my current job for years and get out to Ca. This requires a huge amount of work outside of work putting together a portfolio. Well, there was lot of sleepless nights during this summer aalong with a new studio I was put in (crap) and getting ready for my annual party. I have to say I may not have been as attentive as i should have been. Anyway, October comes. A friend of mine says to me Sarah asked her "when am I getting the ring". I know now she was doing this to everyone but not me and my friend was the only one to tell me.

Now, in Aug my "dentist friend" tells me they are moving to Florida in late October. And that my ex has moved in with her fiancee and her brother. So then i was pretty much not thinking of her. Sarah had her moments in which she had issues with her looks, her moods during the day (she worked at night) etc. but that was the point, I was getting to know her.

Suddenly I start getting phone calls in mid/late Sept. It's from my ex. We talk and it was nice hearing her voice I admit. It had been 4 years after all. Well, We agree to meet up mid Oct. We do and talked of the big argument in Ca. After that I thought it was nice to her but that was pretty much. Friends pretty much. besides she still had her engagement ring on.

My birthday. Sarah gives me the best party! I was sold then and I had my 5th interview with the new car company in San Diego Nov 4th. I was excited and busy getting ready and Sarah was SURE I was going to get it. Well I fly out and like I told her there are no guarantees. Sure enough it went ok but not good enough. I tell her and literally over the phone she annouces she is going to Ca because I did not get the job. WTF. I was shocked. Far more than the job issue. I was sort of relieved. "Ok" I thought. "That is over now I can concentrate on a new direction and spend more time with Sarah. Now we can go on vacation like she wanted". But no. She tell me this and then disappears for 2.5 weeks AND taking clothes out of the house when I'm at work. So again I'm like WTF. Ironically my ex calls and we agree to meet up. I admit I'm relieved to see her and spill my thoughts. She's not happy either with the her finacee'. So spend time together and after about a week I'm already feeling this is not right. But what do I do? My heart is with Sarah and I think my ex knows it because of my statements "I don't want to hurt her". Anyway, Thanksgiving comes and Sarah finally calls to invite me to her parents house. I go with a friend. I tell my ex prior that i think I'm going to break it off. But I could not and I again go by my heart. BUT then Sarah tells me her sister is going to. That made feel even worse. So though most of December I tell Sarah I need to think and I didn't want to see her. I was absolutly miserable. I could not sleep or eat and was taking sleeping pills to aid me in getting some rest. So by now my "ex" is getting upset because I was only "seeing" her once or twice a week. Sarah was never around anyway because when we started talking again, she was working overtime...........Suppossedly. Now we come to X-mas. I spend it with my "ex". Her friend tells me that my "ex" thinks I will go back to Sarah. I say I don't know what is going on....She's leaving with her sister in January.

Right after X-mas it gets worse. my "ex" tells me she is pregnant! WTF. How did that happen? I was not with her that much. My immediate friend says that is isBS. Well, my "ex" tells me 3 minutes later she decided to get an abortion because she is not ready. So 6 days later she has it done chemically which I find out later is not done the way she made out. Keep in mind she works for social services. The ONLY "proof" she had of this was a copy of a test with really high HCG level of 17000 for a woman only pregnant for 3 weeks. I find out later...BS Also she did not want me to go with her to the doctors office AT ALL. Odd all of it. Meanwhile between NEw Years and Jan 14 Sarah and I are not talking gain. Why? I did not spend NY with her. I wanted to but I was really screwed up from this "news' from my "ex". So Before she leaves with her sister, I tell Sarah I saw my "ex" and I knew she was not for me. She seemed surprised a bit but said ok. After that we talked everyday and as soon as she was out of the state she starts talking about having kids, describing the ring she wants (and she called me when I was actually looking at it the next day). By March she I think actually asked me to marry her by sayinf we could have a little ceremony in year-after her obligation to her sister is up (this was the first time i hear she was going for a year or any obligation). Buy late march she was saying she could not spend another winter in Detroit but she wants to be with me. Ok great I say BUT I have a house to sell in a difficult market and NO JOB! So picking up was not the easist thing to do. But I was trying to figure out something. She had free housing since she was traveler so I could shack up with her until something came along. Advice to me was "Don't give up your career to follow a woman" but in hindsight I'm not sure on that one. It owuld have benefited us both.

My mistake was staying in contact with me "ex". All of this time she was saying how the abortion was my fault and she was mad at me. Now it is seen as "guilting" to keep me around. She was also pissed I only saw her once a week or so. I did not stand up for myself because I didn't want to hurt anyone and did not see that perhaps I was the one that was being taken for a ride.

Ok, Sarah comes in town in April. I think she was expecting a ring or something but she felt pretty let down. I was totally out of it by then since i figured it was about time my"ex" was over this "trauma" that happened to her. I could not stand the secret anymore and felt horrible that I got myself into this. I toldmy "ex" that was it. She found out Sarah was in town. She decides to call Sarah in Ca and tell her all sorts of stuff including this "abortion". The the "dentist friend" who now lives in Florida emails her and calls her fat, ugly, she's not for me and I live someone else. WTF Sarah is really upset and has not actually spoken with me since. She did speak to my mom and this is how I found out about that. She also called my friends here and wanted to know what happened. They call me and say things will be ok, let her cool down. Also the plan came up to fly out to talk to her and present her the ring to "start over" when she wanted and to show I loved her and to please forgive me.

Well, that was thwarted because I mentioned flying out and proposing on a car forum. The "ex" stalks me on the internet apparantly and calls Sarah and tells her. Sarah has some woman I do not know email me "testing me" I guess and saying things like "how can you expect to have a long distance engagment".

So dismayed and not eating or sleeping again. I visit Sarah's parents. Her mom sits down with me and tells me that Sarah is seeing a guy with two kids (WTF already) this is mid June.The she tells me that Sarah has been with "many men" and is looking for love. Why the hell would her mother tell me this????? I go back with my mom July 5th and feeling a bit better I talk to her dad, mom (she came in for a month to help me out) and her little sister is present. For 1,5 hours we talk about this. And they are supportive. They tell me her sister bought a GTi, dating etc. and they did mention the guy but her dad didn't see much in that. Supposedly. He goes on to say "She should see you now", "I feel bad for you" and "I hope she calls". So leave with some hope and my mom agreed.

So I send a card or two over the next 2 months. I was ready to give up if I did not hear anything by October. My Mom says I would. I say yeah right. Well two days later Sarah contacts my best friend for his B-day. A full two months early. I think it's a mistake. Others tell me it's not. Women don't do things like that by "mistake". Well he writes back. She comes back with the mention of my name makes her upset. Naturally i write her and we get into a 6 email or so exchange. She actually sends me a two month old picture of the guy and the kids!!WTF. I say fine. if that's what you want. She fires back. I say it again. She fires back. I tell her something very private. This gets even weirder and I find out she is still talking to my "ex". WTF. I'm livid because by now I know i was taken for a ride by this person and my "dentist friend" because the guy was engaged to could not keep a job at Best Buy and I was to be the ATM machine in short. And how do I know Sarah was still talking to my "ex". The "ex" emails my best friend and another with 4 pages worth of emails explaining how I should let Sarah go, How I'm all screwed up but I have such potential and how she would like nothing better than to see me "improve". By friend thought the email was ridiculous, told her he did not agree and would not discuss this over email. Call him. She did a few times, they missed each other then she stopped. Probably because she did not get what she "wanted"...Me to contact her. I never did after April 17th and never will.

So, that was it for 2 more months. I send a small email to Sarah just saying hello. WhY. Advice from everyone who knew us was "follow your heart" including my mom. Well I get a email from her friend that I never met wanting to know my intentions. Natually I respond...a week later. I get back a be "realistic", I'm a stalker and I doubt she would comeback to you with stalker behaviour. Ok, stalker? She's 2500 miles away, I sent three three line emails (one was in response to her) in 2.5 months? Have not been to her parents since July 5th and have not called her. I respected her wishes and largely left her alone. And believe me it was difficult to do so. I also get an email from her sister..Much more civil. She says Sarah get really upset when she gets an email from you. So leave her alone. Ok. I will. but the question to me was this: Why not block them? I know that can be done I tried it using the same services. I never knew if she was getting them or not. Why respond? If I received something from my "ex" I'd through it out and would not forward it to my mom, sister and this friend of hers. My female friend has a theory that she is letting suffer. A woman who does not care would not let the guy know that she is so hurt. My freind illustrated her example. She had a point. My mom says the same and on top of it added anyone who is really happy in what they are in would not forward pictures of whom they are seeing to an ex. Does not make sense. My doctor whom I was seeing says the same thing.

So basically I feel I missed my window on finally marrying someone i felt the most for and could see a future. You just don't know how that felt whe I purchased that ring. For 12 years I had been looking for someone such as this (I have stories of bad experiences that lead up to my "baggage") and because of that, the job situation, location (she didn't like it here and I don't either {she said I was a totally different person when I was not here} and timing I lost her.

Now I'm back to where I started. I'm still in MI....Working on getting out. STILL. I'm still in my current Job.....Working on getting out for 7 years now!....STILL. I'm working on finding someone, damn near shitty in this town and I'm not the only one. My friend who is single again (his GF left because she could not stand it hear) can't believe hoe bad it is. Don't believe it? google Detroit and dating.It's just about dead last.

So I"m worried. Some say including my mom that she will be back. I can't see how that can happen with all that has happened. Add on to that our locations. Maybe if I was in Ca. MAYBE. I

I also feel like I'm at fault. but just about everyone including clergy and religious people said I did the righ thing in clearing out any doubts before making that sort of commitment. Well, maybe but Sarah is not with me. My friend says it's an excuse to make it easier for her to leave guilt free. Judging by her past, this current thing will not last long either. All say she really loved me. But if she did..Why did she leave? That is what I'm struggling with? I STILL do not know WHY she really left. Was it due to the job?, My not getting the job? Her sister? Her need to move? Another tactic to get me to commit? I have no idea and nothing is resolved in way so I'm not beating myself up. I'm not a cheater and I never have before been in anything like this. I've been cheated on and it does not feel good that's for sure. I plan on one more visit to her parents before X-mas and maybe they can shed some light. I just want to give a last impression that I'm not some sort of whacko that used their daughter and I did love her very much. I just hope she will be happy and I hope maybe someday our paths will cross and we can talk. Her parents really liked me so I feel fairly confident in going down there.

Anyway, thanks for reading this "Jerry Springer" story. Any insight would be appreciated. I need to resolve this in a healthy way somehow so I can sleep at night and move on if need be. Right now I don't feel right for anyone and my heart is just not there. It's with her.

-C

[Red]

Wow that is a super long read, I spent 10 minutes just getting though the first half, I didn't read the second half yet, but I can say this, good realtionships aren't that complicated, you need to move on and find someone new, to much has happened, just find someone that can express how they feel and doesn't get overly complicated.

[vanessabg]

Wow! that's a long long long read i m fail to read all your post.
Sorry about that.